There is one mainstay to all effective True Christian fundraising: Mawkish Testimonials. They always involve desperate people who appear to be so utterly craven and incompetent that the reader is left wondering why the person recounting their humiliating tale was surprised by the abject failure that typifies their life before needily latching onto Jesus as just one more in a long line of addictions. The following is a poignant testimonial from such a man, whom Jesus visits early one morning at
his pre-manufactured home. Tears will verily roll down the contours of your prominent cheekbones as you contemplate how Jesus changed this man's life for the better -- and how much more Jesus must love you, as your own life is infinitely more pleasant even without such an unannounced visit!
After years of selfishly living a life only for my own pleasure, filled with booze, cigarettes and women who habitually respond "why not?," I finally felt that Jesus was calling me and wanted me to be saved. I woke up and vomited last night's beer and tequila into the john. That was nothing special for a Sunday morning, but something very odd came over me. I just sat on the floor of my bathroom and cried: "Jesus! Please help me! I need you so! Save me from myself!"
Suddenly, I felt as if all my worries had been microwaved away. My stomach was no longer quivering like it might make one last purge. The sour bile stopped dripping from my right nostril. And the toilet flushed without my even touching it! My whole trailer shook and was filled with a bright bluish-white light. It was almost blinding. I got up and looked down the hall and standing right next to my dinette was Jesus! I threw myself onto the floor and starting crying tears of joy.
"Jesus, my saved friends told me that all I had to do was ask and you would be there for me when I needed you." I could barely get the words out I was sobbing so hard. I started kissing His toes between His sandals, which were really hot. All I could think to say was, "Jesus will you be my Personal Savior?"
Well, He just kind of looked at me funny and didn't say anything. I thought He hadn't heard me. So I asked again: "Jesus, please rescue me from my world of wretchedness and be my Personal Savior!" Then he looked me up and down and was quiet for a minute. He was looking into my living room. Then His perfect lips moved. He said: "I don't think so."
And was gone. And where He had been standing there were two burn marks in the linoleum shaped like his sandals. To be honest, it really sort of pissed me off. But when I turned around none of my furniture had veneer no more -- it was all hardwood.
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